Ramblings

WARNING: The following words are manifestations of my bitterness towards my work, the government system and everything..Refrain from reading it for your benefit. Peace

I can’t take this. This is the reason I am dilly dallying, testing the waters before taking the plunge. I know it is hard, and I believe my heart cannot simply handle this kind of emotional roller coaster. After this, I do not know when I will just snap.

I am talking about my request for transfer. I have been delaying the process for a long time. I have been asking informally and making subtle hints about it to the administrators so I know the obvious answer was no. First, their always answer is there is no vacancy in Davao, that the facility there is overmanned.

Okay, I got it, so I waited.

For a while, I found reasons to stay here in Manila. My sister was here before so my loneliness was masked. I was free here and I liked it. Having a less stressful, permanent job with a good pay is hard to find. Okay.

My sister has left me for abroad for almost a year now and I’m still here. I couldn’t hold the pressure anymore coming from my family, from my then partner and from my own desire. I fought hard with my partner because of it. He couldn’t understand my issues. Yet the breakup didn’t ease the pressure. My own loneliness has driven me to actually go for the plunge.

I have so many issues to overcome that prevent me from taking action. For one thing, I disliked approaching bosses. I really fear going to our own office. I feel intimidated by it. There is not only one boss but many; each has his own temperament. It’s like going to a place full of sharks. Okay, I’m exaggerating. It’s all psychological. But just the thought of it dampen my will to try.

Anyway, finally, I can’t handle the pressure anymore, so I succumbed and took the plunge. I finished my letter of request and submitted it.

Welcome to hell.

First inferno, I already know - there was no vacancy in Davao. The “over manned” excuse again. Crap.

Second inferno, we are undermanned in Manila Tower. I wouldn’t be allowed to go. I wanted to shout to the whole admin “That is not my problem. You created that situation by pulling people from the facilities unto here” My father told me also that is not my responsibility anymore. Yeah, I know, but they had their second excuse.

Third inferno just came yesterday, and the reason for this rambling – Davao’s FIC doesn’t want to accept ANSS II & above. This one I know, long, long time ago from the man himself. But before I bid for my promotion, I realize this was not in effect any longer because an ANSS II was transferred there, si Choi.

After I got my promotion, two more were accepted – si Oscar, who was transferred last year and Roselle, who is about to, all her papers already in place. I’m calling Sir Manny soon to verify this. But even though I’m not surprised, the news got me really so glum and angry. For the first time I punched a chair. It was a stupid move coz my knuckles got swollen.

It didn’t help at all when my supervisor teased me that I am not Choi, Oscar or Roselle. He was just pointing out that in our department, maybe in the whole CAAP and the whole government as a whole, there is no one absolute rule for everybody. Each has its own. Rules and policies got bend, twisted and patterned depending to one’s “kapit and lakas”. That really got in my nerves. Oh, stupid system!

I also have a big problem handling rejections and discouragements. If I encounter a mountain blocking me, I wouldn’t wish to climb it. I would just find a way around it. Oh, crap!

I am so stressed that I have awoken at 4am. I do not have problems sleeping even with too much emotional burden, I just woke up early.

Emotionally and psychologically, I couldn’t take this anymore.