Cry Baby

WARNING: KADRAMAHAN PA RIN PO ITO. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

I have always been a cry baby. I cry because of trivial matters.

I cry over movies whenever I am touched by a line or a scene.

I cried when my lola and I got pushed by the mob on our way up the ship to Bohol from Nasipit pier. I remembered the man in front of me shouted at me for pushing his daughter and I got angry because he blamed it on me when the people behind my back were the one pushing. But instead of shouting back at him, I just cried. I just graduated from elementary then.

I cried in front of my colleagues when I was SBO President way back in high school because I got too upset about something I couldn’t recall now.

I cried too in college when I lead some classmates in a play for our English class. I remember being frustrated because we couldn’t get it right.

It seems my tears are the only outlet of any emotion that is too much for my heart to hold. And every time I am done crying, I feel ashamed for being too shallow and weak. That’s the reason why if I can control it, I avoid crying in public. But I find it very hard to control.

Privately, I allow myself to cry all my heart out. My problem with this is my eye bags expose me. Ilang minutes lang ng iyak, lobo na agad eye bags ko.

Over time, I have developed ways and tricks to conceal my crying. Here’s my tips:

1. 1. If you cry at night, wag matulog kaagad pagkatapos umiyak kasi mas lalong mamamaga ang eye bags. Ipahinga muna ang mata.

2. Blink your eyes many times after crying to get the red out in seconds

3. Pagkatapos umiyak at kelangan nang humarap sa tao, put baby powder over your face and eye lids. Dapat mawala ang watery effect ng inyong eye lids.

4. Maligo pagkatapos umiyak para marelax. After the shower, cgurado wala na ang red eyes mo.

5. Piliting mag smile kahit hindi mo feel . Kahit papaano, it will lift your facial muscles and light up your face.

Ginawa ko na lahat ito this morning but it didn’t save me from being revealed. Unlike last time when I could call in sick, I was already in Tower dahil panggabi ako. For some reason, I do not want my colleagues here to know. These people have come to treat me like their own daughter or niece, and knowing I am in pain would somehow hurt them too. And because I am always in their company, I would witness their feelings; it would be like having your feelings reflected. And like light, it would grow in intensity. Yon ang iniiwasan ko na ma magnify ang aking misery. My pain now is too much to take and having it magnified would be excruciating. Baka maging Sisa na nga ako wehehehehe

One of my friends was right in saying that broken hearts don’t mend overnight and that my feelings could still fluctuate. Oh, crap!

Ramblings Part 2

WARNING: KADRAMAHAN LANG ITO SA BUHAY, WALANG

KATUTURAN. READ IT AT YOUR OWN RISK.

The news last week had made me so stressed that I have to call in sick the day after. I became hysterical that morning, I can’t control my tears. I can’t fathom the reason but I was suddenly drowned in the pain of my heart. It became so unbearably heavy, there’s no way to keep on breathing but to cry.

I have controlled my feelings after I took my bath that morning but I didn’t want to show my colleagues my swollen eye bags and I was afraid more sad news would come that I wouldn’t be able to handle it anymore.

So I spent my day doing errands such as paying my bills, cleaning my room, betting on lotto and bathing my brat cat.

The next day, I went to work in high spirits. They did guess I was not really sick, they knew I was stressed and I just admitted it knowing its easier. I rolled my eyes thinking I can never hide anything from these guys. And thus, their different advice and suggestions emerged. It was unsolicited but I listened anyway because I know these people just wanted my best interests.

One supervisor suggested that I talked to Choi to convince him that we exchange places of assignment. I told him he would never allow it. He said I’ll say it this way “Love, palit muna tayo. Ngayon dalawa kayong iniisip ko - ang mga magulang ko at ikaw. Kung magpapalit tayo, ikaw nalang ang iisipin ko. Gusto mo bang magkaroon ng syotang Sisa? Baka ikaw ang tawagin kong Basilyo.” Very funny. I just told him, Choi would never agree. Besides we’ve broken up and even if we still are together, he would never agree. Self-sacrifice is never to his liking. This last two statements I just kept to myself.

Another suggested “ Magpakasal na kayo. Huwag kayong paapekto sa nangyayari sa career nyo. Kung gusto nyo ang isa’t-isa, magpakasal kayo at saka nyo puntahan ang opisina at sabihing hindi na kayo pwedeng magkahiwalay pa.” I argued that if that happens, the office would have another excuse not to transfer me because it is a policy that married couples should not be in the same office. And besides, that decision is not one way to make. He hasn’t agreed before, much more now. One supervisor agreed with me and said it’s difficult to commit that way.

Hay, if they only knew the true situation. They thought I’m doing this for love.

This transfer is not for love. Although it may be brought about by it, - with me being depressed and wanting to be in my comfort zone- it is more than that. My dreams, my future goals involve being in Davao and not anywhere else. I want to settle in Davao forever.

Another suggested that what if I just swap my position with ANSS 1. Is this possible? I don’t know. My father also told me the same thing. It’s alright for me but would Civil Service approve of it?

But God is so good at times like this. He gave me my father who suggested that I could resign next year if I can’t really transfer. He is planning on a new business and was thinking of me to manage it. He will still be saving for capital though so it would require some time. For me, that is really a relief.

I love my father. His is the only proposal that made sense.

Ramblings

WARNING: The following words are manifestations of my bitterness towards my work, the government system and everything..Refrain from reading it for your benefit. Peace

I can’t take this. This is the reason I am dilly dallying, testing the waters before taking the plunge. I know it is hard, and I believe my heart cannot simply handle this kind of emotional roller coaster. After this, I do not know when I will just snap.

I am talking about my request for transfer. I have been delaying the process for a long time. I have been asking informally and making subtle hints about it to the administrators so I know the obvious answer was no. First, their always answer is there is no vacancy in Davao, that the facility there is overmanned.

Okay, I got it, so I waited.

For a while, I found reasons to stay here in Manila. My sister was here before so my loneliness was masked. I was free here and I liked it. Having a less stressful, permanent job with a good pay is hard to find. Okay.

My sister has left me for abroad for almost a year now and I’m still here. I couldn’t hold the pressure anymore coming from my family, from my then partner and from my own desire. I fought hard with my partner because of it. He couldn’t understand my issues. Yet the breakup didn’t ease the pressure. My own loneliness has driven me to actually go for the plunge.

I have so many issues to overcome that prevent me from taking action. For one thing, I disliked approaching bosses. I really fear going to our own office. I feel intimidated by it. There is not only one boss but many; each has his own temperament. It’s like going to a place full of sharks. Okay, I’m exaggerating. It’s all psychological. But just the thought of it dampen my will to try.

Anyway, finally, I can’t handle the pressure anymore, so I succumbed and took the plunge. I finished my letter of request and submitted it.

Welcome to hell.

First inferno, I already know - there was no vacancy in Davao. The “over manned” excuse again. Crap.

Second inferno, we are undermanned in Manila Tower. I wouldn’t be allowed to go. I wanted to shout to the whole admin “That is not my problem. You created that situation by pulling people from the facilities unto here” My father told me also that is not my responsibility anymore. Yeah, I know, but they had their second excuse.

Third inferno just came yesterday, and the reason for this rambling – Davao’s FIC doesn’t want to accept ANSS II & above. This one I know, long, long time ago from the man himself. But before I bid for my promotion, I realize this was not in effect any longer because an ANSS II was transferred there, si Choi.

After I got my promotion, two more were accepted – si Oscar, who was transferred last year and Roselle, who is about to, all her papers already in place. I’m calling Sir Manny soon to verify this. But even though I’m not surprised, the news got me really so glum and angry. For the first time I punched a chair. It was a stupid move coz my knuckles got swollen.

It didn’t help at all when my supervisor teased me that I am not Choi, Oscar or Roselle. He was just pointing out that in our department, maybe in the whole CAAP and the whole government as a whole, there is no one absolute rule for everybody. Each has its own. Rules and policies got bend, twisted and patterned depending to one’s “kapit and lakas”. That really got in my nerves. Oh, stupid system!

I also have a big problem handling rejections and discouragements. If I encounter a mountain blocking me, I wouldn’t wish to climb it. I would just find a way around it. Oh, crap!

I am so stressed that I have awoken at 4am. I do not have problems sleeping even with too much emotional burden, I just woke up early.

Emotionally and psychologically, I couldn’t take this anymore.

Black Valentines

This morning, when I arrived at work, my supervisor greeted me by saying, “O valentines na valentines nkablack ka!” Huh?!!!

I rolled my eyes. Oo nga ano. Feel ko lang magblack today but not to symbolize my lack of a love life nor my cynicism towards this day of hearts.

Black is associated with darkness, emptiness, evil and whatever negative and gloomy that comes to mind. It is hardly the color to represent my state of mind at the moment. I feel so miserable a few weeks ago but I don’t feel that way now.

Just days ago, a lot of my friends got in touch with me; some posted online, some send me email, and some send me texts –all with the same message of assurance, comforting words and promises of prayers. I thank them all. I hadn’t had the chance to cry my heart out to them but I got their support anyway, thanks to technology. They all worried that I was extremely grief-stricken judging from my blog and friendster profile.

Last week, my mother told me, “It’s ok; he’s not the only guy in the world. At least you have known his attitude earlier. Don’t be sad, there are still many of us here who loves you.” So cliché! But wow! Coming from my mother, who likes my ex, it’s so comforting. Hearing it, I chuckled and laughed.

At that instant, I checked on my feelings and to my surprise, the pain was gone. Maybe I was just over reacting and blowing everything out of proportion. I felt guilty that they worry about me when they have nothing to worry about.

I suddenly realized that I am not really that miserable after all. I was wrong to believe I am a living dead. I never died inside. I’m certain now that I’m not hurting anymore. Thus, I didn’t deserve such attention and concern from my loved ones.

I can’t guarantee though that the pain won’t come back, but hey, at least be happy for me, I feel good at the moment and that’s what matters right?

Today is Valentine’s Day. All of us would be smothered by all the romance in the air but I would not try to escape away from it. I am still fascinated by the strong force of love. I am still hoping that I’ll get my heaven out of it someday. But if the chance comes again next time, I’ll be more careful in giving my heart out. For now, I am ok. I can smile, I can laugh, and I am willing to enjoy life once again.

Anyway, what color can represent hope? That will be the color of my valentines today and definitely, it’s not black.

Twilight Saga

Yehey! Natapos ko na rin basahin ang book series na ito...

Nagenjoy naman ako. I'm satisfied with the ending, and I was thrilled by the turn out of events. There were two nights that I slept at 2 am because I couldn't put the book down.There were also nights that I dreamed of vampires.

I just got tired with the too many adjectives and adverbs, which tend to stretch the sentences way too long and thus making the story drag. I do not have a lot of patience with descriptions. When I read a book, I do not pay attention to the details. I am more concerned with the twists and turn of events.

Nakarelate ako sa New Moon dahil broken-hearted si Bella. Kung hindi lang ako curious sa mangyayari parang gusto ko na ngang tigilan dun pa lang kasi sumisikip din dibdib ko. All the more that I hated the adjectives.

I liked Breaking Dawn most because it is long, there are plenty of twists and I just love happy endings. :-)

It is a good read. Lalo na pag wala ka magawa, isang magandang pampalipas oras.
Para sa mga hopeless romantics.tsk.tsk.tsk.

Fresh

WALANG TUBIG!!!!

Hay, ano ba yan, wlang tubig now sa Paranaque, Pasay, Las Pinas and some areas in Cavite. Grrrr.....friday night pa nagstart ang interruption, tomorrow pa daw maayos.

Hindi naman ako masyado affected kasi wla naman ako pasok sa school today. Buti nalang na move sa february 15 ang simula ng module3 sa CCNA. hay...

Kahapon sa office na ako naligo, buti nalang at may sariling water system ang airport, galing deep well yata. Before ako umuwi sa bhaus kagabi,naligo na muna ulit ako, naghapunan at nagtoothbrush hehehe Para medyo presko pa today di ba..

Buti nalang din at may dalawang poso dito sa kalye namin. At least, pwedeng mag-igib para may pangbuhos ng CR, panghugas ng utensils at panghugas ng "mga important parts"....you know hehehe...Since hindi naman guaranteed na malinis ang tubig from the poso, nilagyan namin ng konting Zonrox, pamatay ng germs. Idea ng mga boardmates ko, galing ano? hehehe

Kawawa lang yung poso, kaninang 2am pa xa humahataw. Naririnig ko sa 3rd floor room ko.Walang tigil yon buong araw, marami nakapila na mga balde. Plus yung kahapon pa. Sigurado pagod na pagod na ang poso. Kung nakakapagreklamo lang yon. Bilib din ako sa pondo nyang tubig sa ilalim, biro mo hindi pa nauubusan hanggang ngayon.

Napansin nyo ba na kahit ano nalang napapansin ko? Wala na kasi magawa. Lahat ng gawaing bahay ( paglilinis ng kwarto, paglalaba) hindi ko magawa kasi wla ngang tubig. Hindi naman mkapaglakwatsa kasi wlang pang ligo hahahahaha

Kaya eto tuloy, I had the chance magblog.

Yon lang po. Bow.